This week I did my topical comedy show with some fellow comedians at the Stand Comedy Club in Newcastle. The show is a panel format where we play various ‘games’. For one part of the show we hold a Question Time style segment where the audience get to put any type of question (within reason) to the panel. This week somebody asked us, “where are you on religion.” At first the usual jokes like, “Well it’s nice to have an imaginary friend.” and such stuff came out. Then I found myself remarking that for a comic who can be quite scathing of established norms I tend to go quite easy on religion. I then went on to explain this was probably because I was raised in a religious background and my mum is a church goer, also I know a couple of highly commendable people who work in the church. The chat then moved on to the rest of the panel, then a thought struck me. I came back in with, “Saying that religious, or Christian belief has had dreadfully negative effects on me in my life.” I explained about the mental health stuff and having had delusions revolving around the more negative aspects of that particular belief system, for example Hell and burning for all eternity. Yes thanks for that one God!
It’s an awful notion to instill in anybody isn’t it. Well or unwell. It’s so awful that just recently the Pope felt compelled to say that Hell doesn’t exist. You simply disappear. This genuinely happened, it hit the media for a day then was quickly debunked by the more conservative members of the church.
Personally I don’t think I can really call myself a religious person. I don’t attend a church, I don’t read scripture, I don’t hang about waiting for a miracle, my ego doesn’t expand to the notion that ‘God’ has any particular interest on my daily comings or goings.
I do however, don’t castigate those with faith. I actually think the notion or the word faith can have some positive implications.
So this week I found myself writing a comedy sketch about the Holy Trinity, Father Son, Holy Ghost (or is that Holy Toast, Jesus often pops up on that?) I hope it gives you a smile.
SKETCH TITLE: SUICIDE MISSION.
THE HOLY TRINITY GOD, JESUS AND
THE HOLY GHOST ARE HOLDING AN
WE HEAR SOME HEAVENLY SOUNDING
GOD: So before we start the minutes officially for this meeting can I just say a big word of thanks to you Jesus and you the Holy Ghost…
HOLY GHOST: Wooooooooooohoooooo.
GOD: Yes thank you Holy Ghost. So here we are the Holy Trinity, God the father (that’s me) Jesus the son (that’s you) and you the Holy Ghost.
HOLY GHOST: Woooooohooooo.
GOD: OK thanks Holy Ghost but we don’t need a sound affect every time I say your name.
JESUS: It’s not his fault. He just wants some sense of purpose . I know how he feels. It’s you they all worship, but where and when do we come into the bigger picture. Feels like we’ve been sitting around for an eternity.
GOD: Err…Well that’s because we have. But I’m glad you’ve brought that up because that’s exactly why I’ve called you both here today. Lads I think we’ve reached a point in humanities development where we can now reveal our divine plans for them. So son I’m sending you on a mission.
JESUS: Oh wow! Thanks dad. I love the sound of that. Am I gonna be like a spy? Do I get an exploding pen and a car with an ejector seat?
GOD: Well son it’s not exactly that kind of a mission.
JESUS: Well what kind of mission is it?
GOD. Well I suppose you could describe it as…err…Well there’s only one way to describe it really. Son I’m sending you on a suicide mission.
JESUS: What! No way! An eternity of nout and when I finally get to do something I’ve got to die? No way! Send the Holy Ghost, he’s already dead.
HOLY GHOST: Woooooooooohoooooo.
GOD: Right that’s quite enough from both of you. Look it’s not gonna be all bad son, to make up for the nature of your mission I’m going to give you super powers.
JESUS: Oh that sounds cool. Will I be like an X-Man? Can I have claws like Wolverine?
GOD: Not quite like that. It’s more divine stuff like healing the sick, raising the dead and that.
JESUS: That doesn’t sound like much fun. Is that it?
GOD OK how about I throw in you can turn water into wine and you can walk on water.
JESUS: Much better sold! So how exactly am I going to die?
GOD: Err…och these are mere technical details son, I don’t think we really need to get into all that. The point is you die and your sacrifice sets a nice example for how people should live their lives.
JESUS: Sounds like a bloody weird example to me. So time is linear up here you can send me down to any point. When and where am I going.
GOD: The Middle East about 32 B.C. The time of the Roman Empire.
JESUS: 32 B.C.?
GOD: Before you?
JESUS: Oh I see. Can’t I go down in the 90s? The 90s look cool, lots of peace and love and all that.
GOD: No son I need you to stand out. You’ll just get lost amongst a load of blissed out ravers.
JESUS: So where does the Holy Ghost come into this?
GOD: Well the Holy Ghost will make a short cameo appearance a couple of days after you die.
GOD: To prove that your still alive.
JESUS: Right…I’m sorry but that sounds like a major plot hole right there. This is typical of you and your mysterious ways. It’s like how you were always on at them about how you made them in your own image, then when you do decide to have a chat with one of them you appear as a burning bush. That was another major plot hole. How come Moses never went, ‘Hey God if I’m the spit of you then how come I’m this weird flubbery thing full of different chemical reactions and you’re a burning bush? How is that?’ We should have made everybody like badgers, badgers look cool.
HOLY GHOST: Wooooooooooohooooo.
JESUS: See, he agrees with me as well.
GOD: Look do you want something to do or not?
JESUS: Well, I suppose it beats sitting around here. OK if I’m going to die do I get to have a leaving do?
GOD: I suppose I can throw in a leaving do. We’ll call it the last supper.
JESUS: Great, who’s going to pay for it.
GOD: Well…I imagine the Romans will have some kind of whip round.
HOLY GHOST: Woooooooooooohoooooooooo.