Hello! It’s nice to be back. First let me say a HUGE thanks to Elle for keeping content up on the blog while I’ve been off on adventures. I’ve been blessed, bothered and buried by the amount of work I’ve done over the last month. From workshops with young adults leaving care, youth theatre work, live drama performances for exams at university, gigs all over the country and yes doing my show on mental health Delusions at a local theatre. In truth I knew this workload was coming three months ago and I’ve been looking at it with some trepidation, genuinely a bit fearful as to how it was going to impact on me. Elle is great at using analogies to describe things. I can only describe this past month as looking over a vast frozen lake, a lake where I know there are weak spots in the ice and putting my head down and charging across it at full tilt regardless. How very Bipolar of me.
If you read my other posts you’ll know I’m always reluctant to romanticise about my condition…buuuut…this month, that energy, focus and drive it can bring made me achieve a level of work I’m not going to try to repeat any time soon. It all landed in a oner by accident, now it’s done.
The highlight of all this was seeing Elle last night when she came to see the show at Alphabetti Theatre. It was a sell out night and the show was very well received. But being able to confide in her about how I’d had a near wobble right before the last show was a huge help and I was so glad of her company. And she looked well too. I was delighted with she was there and didn’t really feel like spending time with anybody else.
Yup my condition is always there lurking too. Pushing myself like this was inevitably going to have it lean over my shoulder and whisper in my ear. It happened after I’d done the show on Thursday night. I went for a beer with a friend at a local bar and music venue. People know me around Newcastle, not always for the best of reasons, and it didn’t take long for a few faces from my more hedonistic past to start appearing in the bar. It turned out indie dance band Alabama 3 were having an after show party upstairs. I know the manager of the bar and he was saying, “You must come upstairs and join in the fun!” Then about a dozen genuine hells angels appeared and headed upstairs too. So now I’m looking at a party with a very cool band in a room filled with a biker gang. People that know me from the past, and a few that were there that night, will know this is the sort of room I used to charge into, shouting let’s get this party started. Not now. Rooms like that aren’t good for my head. What? A cool band and a biker gang all upstairs for little me? That’s a delusion of grandeur knocking at my door. Despite huge persistence from all assembled I resisted and headed home. But the circumstances had made me wobble a bit. Christ, that would make anybody wobble. At one point one of Alabama 3 came downstairs, stood beside me at the bar, and then turned and said to me, “You know you’d think with where I am at with my life that everything that is happening upstairs would be wonderful…But it’s not…it’s horrible.” We grinned at each other and he went back to his duties at the party. If that wasn’t my sign from whatever Gods you worship then I don’t know what is.
Today me and Elle have been enjoying a tune from the Fatboy Slim LP You’ve Come a Long Way Baby. We certainly have. Enjoy. x