Ha! Every so often – say once in three or four months, after I’ve been wandering round the bipolar block – I wake up with a beautiful feeling. I feel like I’m ‘myself’ again. Back to ‘normal’. It’s such a blessed feeling that it’s hard to describe without an analogy. Think still water – perfectly clear, perfectly still. Cool. Held underneath a flawless blue sky of fresh air. That’s as close as I can get to explaining the feeling. Physically I breathe in fresh air and it reaches every cell in my body. I’m at rest and ready. My mind is calm. My recent journey through the dark stuff with the demon is over for now, and I woke with this feeling just 4 days ago.
The reason I describe this as poignant is that I’ve learned over all the bipolar years that when I hit this point I’m ALREADY starting to get too high, and things are on the move again! As beautiful as this feeling is I can’t hold onto it. I was gifted one day of this wonderful feeling. The next night I slept for three hours. Now I’m back to definitely not feeling like myself! Physically and mentally I feel like I’ve taken a caffeine overdose, and I’m back to whiz walking for miles around town to burn off some of that excess energy. My head’s whizzy and distracted. I’m off back round the bipolar block again.
There’s absolutely no sense in me fretting or complaining about this situation. Or trying to change it. None at all. Bipolar disorder has taught me a great many lessons down the years. There are two that I’m still practising – (1) the nature of the universe is change; and (2) hold stuff lightly (don’t get attached).
This moment I hit from time to time is transient and fleeting. The vast majority of my time is not spent feeling this way. But it’s a gift when it does arise, and it teaches me about the nature of change. It teaches me that every place I visit in my mind is subject to change, and this can give me greater courage next time I’m dancing through the dark. Every time I have been suicidal has been subject to that change. In the early bipolar days I didn’t understand about change – when I was low I thought it was forever. Not so much these days.
I’m getting a bit esoteric, but my thoughts are flying! I have mundane things to do now that I’ve finished with the dark for now – blood tests, forms to fill in, phone calls to make, a flat to clean and tidy. There’s a time and a season for these things too.